Today is different

Yes, today is different than all the days before. She seems distant.  The date is November 10, 2016.

I’ve settled into my job as home care provider.  This morning, before he went to work, Honey helped me get mom downstairs to the kitchen.   After he left for work, I fixed her favorite breakfast.  Two waffles and a fried egg.  She drank all of her juice down. We chatted and she  wondered out loud  “why was she so weak”.   I honestly didn’t know. I told her maybe, it was because I didn’t get her downstairs yesterday.   We both  agreed  that she should come downstairs at least twice a day.

After breakfast it was time to get her into the shower. When that was finished, I blow dry and styled her hair and gave her a Clarisonic facial. She loves to be pampered. She asked me if my older sister would know how to do all of this. I reassured her that Cherri would be just fine.

Fixed her a hotdog and some cottage cheese for lunch.  And now she’s laying down for her afternoon nap.  I pull the shades on both of her windows, and turned off the bedside table lamp. I covered her up and teased her that she was becoming a “old lady right in front of me”. That made her smile. Making sure the little space heater was on,  I tiptoed out of the room and gently shut her door.

Here I am, sitting on the front porch swing. The sun is bright and warm. The temperature is almost 70°. Yes, warm for November,  but I’ll take it.   Where do I go from here? How long does it take? I don’t really even know the question that I’m asking.  Will I always have this peaceful feeling?  Will I always be able to care for her, the way that she needs to be taken care of?   One thing that I know for certain, is this. This exact moment in time, I am where I’m supposed to be.  I wouldn’t change this day for the world. You are growing old right before my very eyes, and I am cherishing every moment that I have with you mom.

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This momma’s heart

So much going on, and all of it a heartache. Sitting here on my front porch swing, the dogs resting at my feet and my mind is going to so many different places.

I’m sad and hurting. I wish I didn’t have a care in the world, like the birds I see taking a bath in the puddle left over from the rain. Maybe half a dozen birds I’m watching, enjoying the sunshine and a bath.

As I sit here, I wish my mom was sitting here next to me. Does she know how much I miss her and how deeply I am grieving for her presence?

My heart breaks for my little brother. He’s getting his life right with God, but at what price did he have to pay?

My heart breaks for my only daughter and all of the challenges she is facing with her fertility. She was meant to be a mother. She wants to have a baby more than anything in the whole wide world. And this is one thing that I can’t fix for her.

Our 2nd son found a job that makes him happy. But, he wants to find a nice girl to spend his life with and to have a family one day of his own. I pray that wherever she is, she waits for him. That God leads their paths straight to each other. I need to pray for her more often. Scolding myself.

I am sad as I sit here on my porch swing. Life doesn’t seem fair to me at this moment.

And just like that, I am reminded of all the blessings that I do have. I look around at this home that I’ve lived in, 31 years this very weekend. So many memories. A lifetime really. Our children, preschool and babies. Decades ago.

So here I am, this mama’s heart sad and grieving. Sitting on my swing where I allow myself to remember all of the good times, the bad times, and of the times. Wishing, hoping, and praying, for all those that I love so dearly. I wish I could fix my brothers life. I wish I could fix my middle son’s life. I wish I could fix my darling daughters life.

This mama’s breaking heart….

It’s a foggy morning.

I was watching the news this morning and a local news anchor had her baby. A precious baby girl. And the first thing that I thought was ” mom would’ve been so happy for her.”

I still remember so much. I’m very thankful that she left so many memories with me.

I know as time passes, my brain will become foggy and my memories will slowly disappear. It will be those days that I will turn back to this journal and read to remember.

My hope is that you cherish the love ones in your life and write down the special moments that you have with them.

It may be a foggy morning, but I still remember so much about you dear mom.

She was here..

Yesterday morning I was putting away fresh laundry in moms room. Dave uses her closet as his. I had already “cleared” that with her quite a while ago and she was happy that he was using that space.

I went into her room and she was sitting there in her rocking chair drinking a cup of coffee. I hung his dress shirts on hangers and put them in the closet. I was aware that she was casually watching me.

Then I put two or three of his hats on the shelf in the closet and as I put the last one up there she chimed in “make sure you hide that one”. I giggle inside. I could just hear her saying that to me. The hat was the red one that had letters on it saying “MAGA”. Mom was not a Trump fan. And, she did love to tease Dave about him.

I miss the fun banter between those two. I miss her being here. Some days it was a struggle. Some days, it was exhausting. But as I close my eyes, I can see her sitting there in her chair. Her tray table in front of her. All of her necessities close by. And I miss her being here.

I reminded myself several times since yesterday morning, that she was here.

And for that visit, I am forever thankful. She was here…

Memories in recipes.

My little brother asked me for a recipe. Mom’s homemade vanilla ice cream. I finally got around to looking for the recipe in one of my many recipe books. It took me a while as I thumbed through the pages, notes and notecards given to me by different friends and family members.

At the very back of this particular recipe book, I came upon moms vanilla ice cream recipe. But more importantly, under that was a letter from my grandma Rose, her mother.

I froze momentarily, trying to remember the letter. Ever so gingerly, I opened the yellowed envelope and read. Included in my letter from my grandma was a smaller letter from her own mother. At that time her note from her mother was 27 years old. She told me to hold onto it, to not lose it, to keep it in a safe place. She would get the letter when she came home at Christmas time.

We both must’ve forgotten as Christmas was very busy that year.. In my grandmother’s personal letter from her mother, was priced family recipes. Passed down from generation to generation. I truly had a priceless gift.

I read the letter from my great grandmother to my grandma. Taken back in time over fifty years ago as I recognized names, people, places. What a journey. The tears flowed many. I wept for a different place and time. I stood in my kitchen holding both letters close to my heart and I cried for my dear mother, for my grandma and for my great grandmother.

I missed them all fiercely. My sobs racked my chest for several moments. And then after a while a calmness came over me. I felt my grandma holding me in her arms. She stood behind me holding and comforting me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that it was her.

I thanked God for allowing me to experience her presence. After giving my brother the much-requested vanilla ice cream recipe, I put my books away. The two priced envelope tucked back in the pocket where they’d been kept for years. A hidden treasure, my memories in those recipes to last me my lifetime.

I can hear you..

So, two days ago on Wednesday, May 9, I got my hearing aid. I went home and listened to new noises for the first time in… I can’t ever remember.

Yesterday, at work, I was able to talk to my boss with my side to him, while I was working on my computer. I didn’t have the unnecessary wasted time of turning around and facing his desk while we were casually chatting. I was able to take phone calls and not struggle. By the end of the day I have a slight headache trying to process all the new sounds throughout the day. It was a beautiful headache.

A whole new world has opened up for me. One hearing aid in my left ear. My right ear is completely deaf and no hearing aid will ever fix that. $2300 well spent. Tears of joy, for me to be able to say “I can hear you”.

I’m getting better..

I’m getting better. I just realized this morning that I did not think about mom all day yesterday. I was talking with Dave this morning and we were laughing and saying something, doing a gesture that my mom would always do. And that’s when the realization came to me.

I thought about her on and off, a lot on Easter Sunday. About how much she would have loved the Amanna luxury ham that DJ brought to dinner. She would’ve loved my baked bread, corn and potatoes. I did not make deviled eggs, but I would had, if she’d been alive. We had lots of people for dinner, family. And she always loved my big dinner parties.

It was a super busy Monday. From the time I walked in my office door until I rushed out a few minutes after five. I honestly did not have a chance to think about her, or to miss her.

When I walk in the door at night and up to my bedroom, I see her empty room. That’s when I usually miss her. It didn’t happen last night. I fell into bed exhausted.

I’m getting better. I can think and talk about her and not be sad and get tears in my eyes every time. I love you mom and I still miss you.

Aunt Georgia

My cousin had a surprise 80th birthday party for his mom last weekend. We went to Ohio for the festivities. She truly was shocked. I met aunt Georgia’s friends from church and the neighborhood. Friends that my mom had spoke about and loved. They told me wonderful things about mom. They shared stories. Several times, my eyes would well up with tears. My mom touched so many lives. I look at my mom’s only sister, my aunt, and she reminds me of mom. They are different, yet alike. I cherish my aunt. I’m so thankful we got to help her celebrate her 80th birthday. I love you aunt Georgia.