Today is different

Yes, today is different than all the days before. She seems distant.  The date is November 10, 2016.

I’ve settled into my job as home care provider.  This morning, before he went to work, Honey helped me get mom downstairs to the kitchen.   After he left for work, I fixed her favorite breakfast.  Two waffles and a fried egg.  She drank all of her juice down. We chatted and she  wondered out loud  “why was she so weak”.   I honestly didn’t know. I told her maybe, it was because I didn’t get her downstairs yesterday.   We both  agreed  that she should come downstairs at least twice a day.

After breakfast it was time to get her into the shower. When that was finished, I blow dry and styled her hair and gave her a Clarisonic facial. She loves to be pampered. She asked me if my older sister would know how to do all of this. I reassured her that Cherri would be just fine.

Fixed her a hotdog and some cottage cheese for lunch.  And now she’s laying down for her afternoon nap.  I pull the shades on both of her windows, and turned off the bedside table lamp. I covered her up and teased her that she was becoming a “old lady right in front of me”. That made her smile. Making sure the little space heater was on,  I tiptoed out of the room and gently shut her door.

Here I am, sitting on the front porch swing. The sun is bright and warm. The temperature is almost 70°. Yes, warm for November,  but I’ll take it.   Where do I go from here? How long does it take? I don’t really even know the question that I’m asking.  Will I always have this peaceful feeling?  Will I always be able to care for her, the way that she needs to be taken care of?   One thing that I know for certain, is this. This exact moment in time, I am where I’m supposed to be.  I wouldn’t change this day for the world. You are growing old right before my very eyes, and I am cherishing every moment that I have with you mom.

So I’m living life.

And truly, enjoying this life that I live. What an amazing Memorial Day weekend we just had. 2022. Honey and I enjoying each other’s company now more than ever.

On Sunday, we decided to resurface our driveway. It’s a project we do together. End it gives us instant gratification when we see our job well done. I also laid down 18 bags of red mulch around the front flower garden. It looks so beautiful.

And then later in the afternoon, our son and his family came over to visit and brought dinner. Pork street tacos. So good.

I sat on the front porch swing visiting with my mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter.

Our granddaughter Felicity is 14 years old. Hard to believe that she will be 15 years old in September. She is her own person. She beats to her own drum. Really, what does that mean when people say that about someone? Well, for my granddaughter it means that she knows exactly who she is and what she wants. She does not conform. She is an artist extraordinaire. Yes she loves to draw, sketch, paint and create. She has a beautiful style. When she was little we used to say she was “creative“. At one point in time I think she mentioned that she wanted to work for a company like Disney, and be part of the creative animation team. Lately though she’s talked about becoming a tattoo artist. She already is practicing on all of her friends at school. They ask her to design, draw, marker on their arms. Honestly, she’s quite good.

Cici also loves to do her make up and color her hair. Sometimes it’s purple, sometimes blue. She wore it shorter for a long time. However, she’s currently growing it out. She likes comfortable clothing and is following the trend of what all the “kids“ are wearing these days.

She’s got a good group of friends at school. On Friday nights, they like to go skating at the skate park in Eldridge. That’s where her dad would skate when he was a teenager as well. she’s growing up and changing right before my very eyes. I would say she was quiet may be shy for a while but seems to be now coming out of her shell. I love this beautiful granddaughter of mine. I’m so proud of the person she is becoming. And I honestly can’t wait to see where life will take her.

So, I’m living this life and looking forward to see what the future holds. It’s Wednesday, June 1, 2020. Yes, my favorite day of the week.

I remember when we were young…

Yes, I do. Young love. Sweet love. New love. All encompassing and deeply passionate. Today, he sent me a picture of the Carrera sunglasses like the exact ones he purchased in the early 80s. Probably when he was a senior in high school. And, it got me to thinking about all those memories of days gone by. Oh my, we had so many. I was so deeply in love. My goodness, he was my whole world then and still is now.

The years have certainly gone by. I search my memories to almost 40 years ago when we became husband and wife, it truly is like a different lifetime. Honestly, how the decades have gone by, still amazes me.

Our summers were so full of dating, movies, Pizza Hut, picnics in the park, “making out” on blankets. We’d go shopping in the mall and buying anything and everything we wanted. He used to buy me sweaters, outfits. Oh and yes Spigel bracelets that he would have engraved, precious memories.

He drove a different car Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday. One time he pick me up in a little TR – 7, another time a Trans Am, king cobra. I would cuddle up next to him, and lay my head on his chest. It seemed like nothing else in the whole world mattered but that exact moment in time. I remember thinking, that if I died that very moment .. I would not have regretted anything.

And that’s just the way it is, with love. We don’t regret anything. We are thankful for the time however Long or short it may be. today, 2022, we are making new memories. We go to our hot yoga classes 2 to 3 times a week. We still go out on dates every once in a while. We sit in the living room and watch TV with his mom. We have our fun little projects that we like doing together. We talk about retirement and what that looks like for us. We look forward to our golden years together. I can lay my head down at night and say I have no regrets. No, it hasn’t been perfect. Yes, we’ve both made mistakes. But in the end our everlasting love was the key that got us to where we are today. And I’m so glad I can still say, “I remember when we were Young..“.

Hot yoga today.

It’s been at least four or five months since we were able to take a hot yoga class. Our daughters yoga studio is shut down for maintenance. well, not her yoga studio, the one she teaches at. So she signed up with a new yoga studio. This one in Davenport. “One tree hot yoga“. Honey and I are super excited to be at her class today at noon. I have missed the stretching and strength building that yoga offers for me. I’m so looking forward to spending an hour and taking care of my body.

So I want to go on to mention how important it is to take care of your heart as well. Do the things that are important to you. That lift you up and make you feel loved, honored and cherished. we all know how short life is. No better time than the present, to start taking care of ourselves. May your Sunday be full of loving choices.

August 20, 2021 Move in day..

Yes, today is the day that my mother-in-law moves in with Honey and I. We are both beyond excited and thrilled to have her living with us. We will be able to take good care of her. We will make sure that she gets to all of her doctor appointments on time and that she never runs out of her medication‘s.

Those things are very important, but more importantly, we get to spend quality time with her. She just turned 79 years old a few weeks ago. We hope that she has many years to make memories living with us.

We are moving her in the same bedroom that my mom had, when she lived with us for seven years. It is bittersweet for me. Yes, I still wish my own mom was alive. I cherish those years I had with her under my roof. so today is the day for making new memories to cherish. You know, life can be short sometimes. We honestly do not know where we will be next year, or the year after. I just want to make every day count. Every day that I’m alive, I want to show love and share love. I strive to be a better person. So, I’m very thankful to have one last “move in“ day. With all of our other parents gone, this one is more precious than ever.♥️

Life

So I think about journaling all the time. I’ll be driving to work or at the grocery store and something pops up that I want to share. And I’m amazed at how the months go by and when I pick up this journal I realize that I haven’t written in forever.

This morning I am sitting on my porch swing with a cup of cinnamon coffee. I have my little 5 pound teacup Yorky, Betty, on my lap. We are listening and watching the birds chirp and feed in the feeder’s. The hummingbirds are enjoying the feeders on the front porch as well. My two Boston ferns are bursting wide-open with beautiful light green new leaves.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been back at Dillards for two months now. I’m really enjoying the Northpark store in davenport Iowa. I love being a manager. Managing Ladies/Men’s shoes, and also the Accessories department. The shoe department is new for me. I’m learning the ropes. Getting to know my associates. I feel like I have a pretty good team. There’s always room for improvement. But, that’s not what I want to write about.

What I want to share is “the passing of time“. It happens every so quietly. You wake up one day and look at the calendar and are amazed at the year and the month that you were living in. And you reflect about all that has passed by and happened in the previous years.

Dad has been gone over 11 years. That really surprises me. Mom has been gone for 4 1/2 years. Dad Orby has been gone for a year and three months. And now next month we will be moving mom Maryann in with us. She will be residing in my mom’s old room. It was once the room that the boys had when they were little and growing up. Of course that was 35 years ago. Maryann will be 79 years old next month. I feel so blessed to have her moving in. I know that we will make great memories. I’m sure she will be sitting on this porch swing with me drinking coffee, listening to the birds chirp and watching the hummingbirds fight over the feeders. I hope we get to spend many years with her. And I want the “passing of time“ to slow down. I want to cherish all of the moments that we have left with her. May there be many.

So I write to share this, it’s an old cliché, but.. enjoy the “days of your life”. Treasure the times with the ones that you love and those who are precious to your heart. We honestly don’t know the day or the hour that they will leave us.

My memories are many. I could write for hours and days about all that is near and dear to me. I could write all about love from now until eternity. It’s my focus. It’s what I think about. I could also write about those that I’ve hurt in the past. And how that pains my heart still to this day. I’ve had to forgive myself for those that I’ve done wrong to. And I hope and pray that they have learned to forgive me as well..to move on and to live life. My hope is that they let the past go and are healed.

Yes, for we all know that life is short and that the journey has ups and downs, hills and valleys. Sunshine, darkness, rain and then rainbows. And when the rainbows come out, they are beautiful. For me they are a reminder of God‘s love for brighter days ahead. Brighter days to enjoy the “passing of time“. Brighter days to love, to dream, to experience memories with my children, Inlaw children, and grandchildren. Brighter days to hold the hand of the one I love the most. To watch my husband love our life together. Days to look back and cherish the memory of when we were just 15 and 16 years old and finding love for the first time. My my, some days I feel like we are living our third lifetime together. Our teenage years, and then the years of having babies and raising children, and now our life enjoying and watching the grandchildren that now teenagers.

The passing of time. Love, cherish and treasure.

2020

Where do I even begin? It’s been a whole year of not writing, not sharing, not pouring my heart out.

The day after my birthday on January 5, our golden retriever Gracie passed away. it was a day I will never forget. Sunday morning all the kids were here. My sister Cherri and her daughter Booskie were here as well. The vet came to our house as Gracie was laying on her bed in the middle of the living room. I think she might’ve had a stroke the night before. She was struggling. Luke was giving her treats. She was not well. But she was enjoying all the love and attention. I held her sweet golden paw as my daughter kissed her on the forehead and cried. She went peacefully with the shots from the vet. Dave, DJ and Luke buried her in the back underneath the pine trees. I think about her often. I think about what a wonderful dog she was for so many years.

And then April came and Rob was sick for 3 weeks with Covid. Then with dad/Orby not getting any better. His heart was very weak, his kidneys were shutting down, his 5 month battle with Acute Maloyed leukemia was taking over his whole body. COVID-19 was very scary. Dad didn’t have it. However he was in the hospital and it was grave. He wasn’t going to make it. He decided to come home on hospice so we could all be with him when he passed away. April 17 we watched as he took his last breath and left this earth heaven bound. Our hearts were broken. Mom was absolutely devastated. We watched as this “super man” on earth left his cape behind and now donned the wings of a warrior. Life would forever be changed.

All summer and fall I was furloughed with my job. I spent a lot of time in my flower garden, doing many painting projects in the house, even painted mom’s shed with the grandkids help. It was the summer to swim in the pool, to ride my new bike, to read, reflect and soul search. I also flew to Arizona to visit my best friend. The rest was definitely needed.

Late summer our miniature teacup Yorky, came into our lives. Betty. 10 years old, and unbeknownst to us, full of cancer as well as much-needed love. Two months later our little Westie, Babay Dawg passed away. Her death hit me hard. I loved her so much. I was very thankful for Betty. One dog never replaces another. However they do help with the pain and the longing.

Halloween party was a success. And then a few days later COVID-19 hit our whole household. Dave got sick first, then me the next day. Two days later Cherri, a few days later mom/Maryann, then Karah and Lars. Brennan & Marie..Madison. Thank God we all got through it and were able to spend Thanksgiving together.

I started working again four weeks ago. Doing a job that I wasn’t hired to do, however because of Covid, my Von Maur department store needed me in the e-commerce center. Online business is booming! People want to get back to living and celebrating. Christmas is in full swing. As I get ready for work this morning, I think about all the preparation that me, along with millions of other mothers do to prepare for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. The trees are up and decorated. The presents are wrapped, cookies baked, all the little details that we do to show our love for our families and friends. But this Christmas we are missing Dad. DJ has the smoker now. He’s doing 12 racks of ribs in grandpa Orby‘s memory. We have all the other traditional “dishes” we normally have to celebrate the season. It’s hard to believe Christmas Eve is two days away.

Yesterday I took mom to the surgeons office for outpatient removal of basal cell carcinoma on her forehead. We’re taking care of her now. And although she is deeply sad and still morning, she’s putting on a smile for all of us. We love her so much. She’s all that we have left now. So really, it’s not about the presents, the decorating or even the baking of cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. It is about love for family. It’s about love for each other. Truly that is the one gift that we have, may it last forever.

I belong to Dave

I woke alone in the deep of night. I reached for you, I felt some fright. In my slumber, in my dreams, searching and traveling or so it seemed. The halls were long and the rooms were bare. I kept on looking, you were nowhere. In my panic, in my scare, in my lowest hour, you appear. Your arms they comfort, your warmth did ease and before too long, I felt at peace. I woke with you in the morning light, I felt your love, and my world was right. I felt your breath upon my cheek, we were awake and spooning, we did not speak. We lay in warmth, our connection rare. The love between us, so openly shared. The sun does shine when I start this day, my steps are ordered, as I find my way. May you know this love so deep and strong, May you have someone with whom you belong.

It’s been forever.

Such a funny term we use “it’s been forever”, when we haven’t done something we really enjoy.

Some seasons in life take a while to get through. On November 10th I broke my ankle in four places. It changed my life completely. And that’s the honest truth.

You know when things happen to us, we try to find the lesson that we are supposed to learn. This one (broken ankle) was a tough lesson for me. I had to slow down. I had to allow others to do things for me. I had to learn patience, more than I ever imagined. Simple things like getting up from sitting on the couch took work. Huge things such as getting into the bathtub and getting out, then dressing for work. Making dinner, housekeeping, laundry. And, of course working. I am blessed that I have a desk job. Working for a corporate company doing internal, external investigations, auditing requires you to sit. So I have rested and allowed my ankle to heal while working. 

The last two months have been a whirlwind. Dad, Orby getting diagnosed with leukemia, AML. His cancer has been devastating. Watching him go through chemotherapy, blood transfusions, picklines, medications, it’s something we never imagined. He continues to fight. We continue with our love and prayers.

We got through Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was bittersweet. We cherish our time going to visit the folks. We hug more, take pictures and try to remember the tiniest details when we are together. Life is precious.

I have graduated from using a “scooter” to navigate my daily life, too now using crutches. It takes me forever to get anywhere. Again my lesson in slowing down.

I’m appreciating the moments. Memories are important. Last Sunday my whole family gathered around our sweet golden girl. Grace had a stoke and it was her time to go. The veterinarian came to our home. Gracie laid on the floor and enjoyed the extra treats, the petting, kisses and love. We were all around her. She barely minded when the first shot was in injected. Those big brown eyes looked at us with such love. She was 14 1/2 years old, and by far the best dog in the world. We watched with deep sadness as she closed her eyes and took her last breath. I knew we were doing the right thing for her. It was the final act of love after all the years of love and joy she had given us. It’s so different with her gone. Tears. Memories.

So here it is 6:30 AM on Saturday morning as I wrote in my journal. As I share from my heart and soul to you who care to read, who care to know. I’m doing OK. I’m resting. I am allowing others to still do for me. I’m learning to enjoy this lesson for this time in my life. I won’t say “I love this”, but I will say and forever say, I love.





My Broken ankle….

To “admit” that “I” woke up cranky is a lot. However for me, to be “honest” is easy. Which is the opposite of most people.

So, it’s almost 5 o’clock and I woke up with my ankle hurting. Then, I had to decide if I was going to take my thyroid medication or my pain pill first. I was cranky.

My ice bag had leaked all over my beautiful bright red bed pillows that my ankle was propped up on. The pillow was wet from the ice bag water and then that wet die bled onto my ivory comforter. The comforter needed to be taken off my bed, “spray n wash” and thrown into the washing machine first thing this morning. I didn’t want my beautiful ivory comforter to be stained. I had to allow Honey to do it for me. I try not to give too many instructions but I wanted it loaded into my washing machine a precise way. Cranky beans.

Speaking of “beans”, I text him for a cup of coffee. Cinnamon. He responds rather quickly and says “OK”. I wait 10 whole minutes sitting in bed, wishing that I could get my own coffee. After another text, he shows up with a smile on his face and a servants heart. I try not to show my crankiness.

Thinking back on the last 10 days, and all that has transpired, has encouraged me to write.

He ties a white garbage sack around my leg and ankle and helps me into the hot bubble bath waiting for me. Then, after I’m done bathing, he helps me to get out and dry off. I am appreciative but would rather do this by myself.

I get dressed on my own. With some maneuvering and skill, I’m able to brush my teeth, put my make up on, do my hair and get ready for work. It would be so easy to “call off” of work. I have a great excuse.

I make it to the end of the hallway, which is the top of the stairs with my scooter. He is there to watch me, to assure I don’t fall. I am off of my scooter and going down the stairs on my bottom. Taking one step at a time until I get to the landing. He has my scooter waiting there for me and helps me back on.  I realize how much easier life would be, if we had purchased a ranch style home 32 years ago.

Life will not be easy for the next two -three months. Simple tasks like using the restroom takes time. I am not able to sweep and mop my kitchen and three bathrooms. I am not able to vacuum or dust. I haven’t tried cooking yet but I’m sure eventually with some challenges, I will be able to make a simple dish. For the last 10 days other people have been cooking. Friends and family have brought food. I am surrounded with kindness and love. Allowing others to do for me is humbling. I am not a lazy person so resting is a challenge. 

I said the other day that I wish I could go back to that day. I would have slowed down and not been in a hurry. I would’ve taken my time. I have Thanksgiving coming up and Christmas. I have much to do. I have trees to decorate, presents to shop for and cinnamon rolls to bake. I have much to do. I don’t have time for this.

Isn’t that how life is? Hindsight is always 20/20.  I am learning patience more than ever. Now I am learning the meaning of rest. I’m learning how to allow others to do for me. I’m realizing that what doesn’t get done, will be OK. I will shop online. I will find tasks that I’m able to do, like sitting in my bed and wrapping presents or folding laundry. Maybe I will learn how to make cinnamon rolls while sitting at the dining room table instead of standing.

I hope to look back on this Christmas season with the best of memories. The house may not be cleaned the way I clean it, the trees may not be decorated the way I would decorate them. Maybe I won’t bake as many cookies as I have in the past. But I will appreciate family and friends stopping in and helping out. I have already had so many great conversations with friends who’ve brought meals and desserts.

Falling and breaking my ankle on that fateful Sunday might have been exactly what I needed to slow me down. And eventually the pain will go away and so will my crankiness. One thing that will always remain is my love for life. My love for my family and friends. My love for a sweet husband who is bending over backwards to make this new life easy. Just realized that writing has helped and I’m no longer cranky.

This is going to be a beautiful day. And yes, it’s Wednesday. 

We had the wedding without you..

The day was beautiful. Perfect really. A warm summer day in August. A week ago today, August 10th, 2019 Stephanie got married. She is your youngest grandchild. The “baby” of your ten Grandchildren.

You were definitely missed. There was a table in the foyer, with yours and dad’s picture on it. Along with others that had passed away. I didn’t see the table at first. I actually did not see the table until the very end of the night, when I was leaving.

It caught me by surprise. I felt sad and then glad that they had honored you, dad and the others. There was a beautiful poem by your picture, but I can’t remember now, what it said. I read it two or three times and then left the building.

I was silent in my thoughts as we drove away from the reception. So this is now our life, our new normal. We will have babies born. We will have weddings and funerals, birthdays and celebrations.

Yes, we had the wedding without you, but you most definitely there. You live on, in each of your four children and ten grandchildren. I still talk to Felicity and Owen about you. I’m so glad they got to know you Mom. You were a big part of their life and a wonderful great-grandma to them. So see, your even “living on” in your great grandkids.

Time for me to say goodnight. I still wish you were here. I wonder if I’m always going to miss you this much. Tears as I close this journal Mom. I somehow hope you can see me from heaven, because your daughter still loves you so much. I always will.